Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It Made So Much Sense at the Time...


Sitting at the dining table tonight, watching Samantha carefully scoop chocolate pudding from her bowl onto her spoon, guiding it gently into her mouth without any spills, I was unexpectedly struck by an overwhelming feeling of awe, that I had grown such a big girl.  It was a sudden, sharp, and surprising moment, one of those times when you think, "But surely, I recognize these things every day - why am I feeling like this is the first time I've ever noticed this?"  It was like looking at her with new eyes, just for a moment.  Fleeting.

I think it was the normalcy of the moment.  The conversation that (mostly) flowed, Samantha recounting the things she and her aide, N., had done this afternoon, the look of surprise on her face when the dishwasher in the kitchen began a new cycle and roared to life, as she said, "Mommy, what's that noise?"  "It's the dishwasher," I said.  "Oh, dishwasher." was her reply.  The classic childhood love of chocolate pudding in all its sweet, sticky glory, and her ability to savor and appreciate every. last. drop.

She called me Dr. Mommy, as we discussed a boo boo.  I think this is what sparked it.  She has called me this many, many times while playing doctor, but suddenly I realized that I am no longer a baby, either, and am truly Dr. Mommy, every day.  I have learned to create and nurture, to cause this exquisite and rare flower to sprout and blossom.  This big girl was a baby, only yesterday.  Every beautiful cell and chromosome was created by us, her parents.  Her whole life has been in our hands, every beautiful pound she's gained, every beautiful inch she's grown.

In retrospect, I realize I can't adequately recount that feeling I had, and it misses so much in the translation here.  Sort of like having a vivid dream, then waking and telling someone about it.  It made so much sense at the time...
My big girl in her apron, helping to make her lunch.

14 comments:

e said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
e said...

awwwwwwwwww, make me verklempt at such an early hour, I know exactly what you're saying.

well done, momma, well done

Anonymous said...

That is the most beautiful description I've read on your blog yet. All new and expectant parents need to read it!

stephanie said...

AWW, right to my heart this morning!!!

The Holt's said...

Love this post, it warms my heart! She is beautiful!!

Amy Flege said...

hard to believe our girls are getting so "grown up". hugs!

my family said...

oh what a sweet moment....what a great header picture,do you take them,they are always so good

Zoey's mom said...

Beautiful Samantha.She is such a big girl and I,a stranger allowed to view it all from this side,just loves watching her blossom.

Our children teach us about life and living in,every single day,do they not?

patsy said...

so beautiful....time does go by way too fast!

Lacey said...

Oh my gosh, that apron is too cute. Our DS kido's stay small for so long, that when they start to look and act like "kids" I think its a huge shock! Big girl indeed!

Jenny said...

I cant even tell you how beautiful I thought this was :) This is something that would have done my heart good to read when I first started out on this journey! Thank you so much for sharing :)

Patti said...

I am putting together a slideshow and would love to include a photo of Samanthan in it...if you are up for it, email me? :)

RobMonroe said...

Don't think we had to be there, this is wonderful. So glad that you get to spend these times with Samantha!

doozee said...

this is really lovely... I felt something similar the other day, as I looked down onto Micah's upturned face. I could suddenly see him as he was when he was a tiny baby, looking up at me from the 'brest friend'. And I thought - oh my! What happened? How did he get so big?!
Love your photos of Sammi