Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Finding My Way Back

I've been feeling a little sad lately.  Nothing serious, nothing to the point of despondency, distress or despair, nothing that will ultimately break me or cause me great emotional upheaval, but something a little less tangible... 

I've been feeling that something's missing from my life. 

A little something.

As a matter of fact, maybe some of you already know what this is. 

I've been missing a little piece of me that had been ever-present for nearly 7 years, something I'd all but abandoned over the last year, something that's been calling to me like a siren, my resolve holding fast to stand my ground and do what's best for me.

I have enjoyed the relative freedom of these past months, but...here goes...I really have missed my blog terribly.  I've missed my creative writing outlet, that one place I can empty my mind of the tiniest of thoughts that start as mere droplets then build to a full flood of ideas pooling and swirling, crashing in waves of words on a page.

There was a time when those words were a force in my life - I embraced them, sent them forth to whomever would read them.  They were cleansing, giving me outlet for issues relating to disability, for rejoicing the triumphs in my daughter's life, for seeking support and solicited feedback on what seemed like failure.  They gave voice to my hobbies, allowing me to share my photos, vacations, recipes...whatever I wanted. 

But, much to my dismay, they also became a chore or sorts.

Writing takes time.  And time is what I have less and less of anymore. 

Writing also requires inspiration, something I have been short on of late.  While this blog began as a running narrative on Samantha's life, I have been faced with new truths that I had denied for so long. 

The privacy dilemma is the biggest of these truths. 

A few years ago I got into a heated "debate" (I'll call it that because it sounds so much nicer than it was) with someone very close to me who voiced concerns about my apparent disregard for privacy in the lives of Samantha and those around her in my post content.  This person stated that there are many factors to consider - the parents of Samantha's classmates, and the students themselves as they get older, will read about the issues and concerns I have, information they really don't need, as it may influence their relationship with Sammi in a negative way;  family members in rather public positions may be associated with some of my more controversial perspectives when I don't anonymize names or places relevant to the posts, and especially when these posts and their content are searchable within Google.  It's complicated, and I still don't agree with all of the arguments made, but I definitely have worked to remove the posts of contention and minimize any kind of negative attraction my subsequent posts could possibly provide those who know her at school. 

It's been a real challenge.  And I, too, agree that that kind of minimization is necessary at this point in her life.

But, by the same token, there's actually not a lot of stuff going on at all to even write about in the first place.  Our lives are, essentially, ordinary.  Samantha's doing well at school.  She is certainly not at the level of her typical peers, but she's accepted and supported and is learning, and there are no real concerns to note.  I don't need the support of my peers at this point in time, nor is there anything remarkable to report.  I've heard this is the pitfall many bloggers of older children discover at some point.  I've stepped back a little from my involvement in the community, as well, so there's little to discuss there.  My social media presence has taken a hit and I'm completely in the dark about what anyone's been doing lately, either on Facebook or in the blogosphere. 

So I struggle with topic

Oh yeah, and that pesky issue of time

While becoming a bit of a hermit has suited me fairly well, I still miss my words, and will try to move forward by acknowledging my need for their returned presence in my life.  I'm not sure what I'll blog about, only that I resolve to do it. 

I asked Samantha today what I should write about.  After first turning down her suggestion that I write about playing doctor, she offered that I should write about exercising, and how I love running.  I think that's a fantastic idea, and one that I'll likely explore later in the week. 

If you're reading, I am grateful that you are sharing this with me.  But I had lost my need to write for me somewhere along the way, and I am thrilled to say I am back in search of my mojo.